Peer pressure isn’t just a “kid thing”.

From the desk of Kelsey Buell,

Peer pressure isn’t just a “kid thing”.

In fact, adults deal with peer pressure all the time. Not only are we bombarded with marketing messages every day trying to get us to say “yes” to the latest and greatest product, but the act of persuasion is ingrained in us as humans.

Every day we are being either persuaded to do things or persuading others to join us in action.

Now, persuasion can be a very good thing! If someone persuades you to volunteer with them or you persuade your friend to come to a fun concert with you, that’s fantastic!

But sometimes it can be….well….not so good.

Do you ever give a “yes” to something that doesn’t align with your values…? Or the direction you’re hoping to go in life?

First, here are some potential examples of “peer pressure” you might be facing every single day:

“You’d be so amazing on this planning committee! You really should join.”
-or-
“You are so much better than me at this task. Can you take this project on?”
-or-
“Just stay for one more cocktail…”
-or-
“This xyz product will completely revolutionize your life!”

Now, maybe you decide to say “yes” to one or a few of these things, but all of a sudden, if you say yes to every single thing, you may find yourself becoming completely and totally overwhelmed.

So maybe you decide you’re going to start saying no more.

You’ve made the decision, you’re going to say no, and then you walk into the room where you’re confronted with the person and then they start talking about why you are the perfect person to execute the project.

You end up saying “yes” to the project and it immediately feels good, but then afterwards you feel deflated and think, “why can I never stick to my guns and say no?”

This is all too common.

So let’s talk about some tips and tricks for saying no.

First, it’s important to understand “why” it needs to be a no. Recognize the benefits!

The benefits of saying no are:

• Alignment with your values
• Allowing someone else to say yes
• Allowing yourself to say yes to something that matters more to you

Second, you must have a “script” memorized and practiced, so you are confident in the execution of your words.

How do you say no gracefully? Through gratitude and honesty.

• Thank you for asking, but….
  • I can’t commit at this time.
  • I don’t have the capacity to take that on.
  • I wouldn’t have the ability to execute with excellence.
  • I actually think NAME would have more bandwidth and enjoy taking something like that on.
  • That’s not my best yes
  • If I can’t do a great job at it, I don’t want to do it at all.
  • I won’t show up in the right frame of mind.
  • I’m spread too thin this week.

Finally, once you say no let it go! <<insert lyrics of Disney frozen song here…Let it go..let it go….:-) >>

You will likely feel guilt for saying “no” to someone you care about. In this case, it’s crucial to remind yourself why it needed to be a no and ask yourself, “Why do I feel so guilty? Is it valid for me to feel guilty?”

By simply acknowledging and accepting that feeling guilty after giving a no is a normal feeling, you can deal with it and move through it.

Saying “no” as a leader is an essential skill that allows you to manage your time, resources, and priorities effectively. However, delivering a “no” can sometimes be challenging.

Here are some leadership tips for saying “no” gracefully and effectively:

• Be Clear and Direct: When you need to say “no,” be straightforward and clear in your response. Avoid vague or ambiguous language that might lead to misunderstanding.

• Express Appreciation: Begin by expressing gratitude for the opportunity or request. Show that you value the relationship and the fact that the request was made.

• Explain the Reason: Provide a concise explanation for your decision. Be honest and transparent about why you’re unable to fulfill the request at this time.

• Offer Alternatives: If possible, suggest alternatives that could help address the person’s needs or concerns. Offering solutions demonstrates your willingness to collaborate.

• Stick to Your Values and Priorities: If the request doesn’t align with your values, goals, or priorities, explain that you’re committed to maintaining alignment with these principles.

• Use “I” Statements: Frame your response using “I” statements to emphasize that your decision is based on your current circumstances or constraints. This can reduce defensiveness.

• Avoid Overexplaining: While it’s important to provide a clear reason, avoid overexplaining or going into excessive detail. Keep your response concise and to the point.

• Practice Active Listening: Listen attentively to the requester’s perspective. This demonstrates respect and can sometimes lead to a more productive conversation.

• Maintain a Positive Tone: Even when delivering a “no,” maintain a positive and respectful tone. Your attitude and demeanor can influence how your response is received.

• Be Timely: Respond to requests as promptly as possible. Delaying your response can create unnecessary tension and uncertainty.

• Offer to Revisit: If circumstances change in the future, express your willingness to reconsider the request at a later time. This leaves the door open for future collaboration.

• Don’t Apologize Unnecessarily: While it’s good to be courteous, avoid over apologizing for saying “no.” Apologizing excessively can undermine your confidence.

• Practice in Advance: If you anticipate having to decline requests frequently, practice your responses in advance. This can help you feel more prepared and confident.

Remember that saying “no” is a part of effective leadership and is necessary for managing your time and resources wisely. When done respectfully and thoughtfully, it can enhance your credibility and maintain healthy boundaries.

What does the Bible have to say about “giving a no?” 

Here are some Biblical principles that can provide guidance for giving a “no”:

• Speak Truthfully: Ephesians 4:15 advises speaking the truth in love. When saying “no,” be honest and truthful about your reasons while maintaining a spirit of love and respect.

• Let Your Yes Be Yes and Your No Be No: In Matthew 5:37, Jesus teaches the importance of keeping your word. When you say “no,” do so with conviction, and avoid making false promises or commitments.

• Consider Others’ Interests: Philippians 2:3-4 encourages us to consider the interests of others. When saying “no,” show empathy and respect for the needs and concerns of the person making the request.

• Set Boundaries: Proverbs 25:28 emphasizes the importance of self-control. Saying “no” can be an act of setting healthy boundaries and practicing self-discipline.

• Gracious Speech: Colossians 4:6 encourages us to let our speech be gracious and seasoned with salt. When giving a “no,” do so with kindness and grace, avoiding harsh or hurtful words.

• Seek Wisdom: Proverbs 2:6 reminds us that wisdom comes from God. Before responding with a “no,” seek wisdom through prayer and reflection on God’s Word.

• Prioritize God’s Will: In all decisions, including saying “no,” seek to align yourself with God’s will. Romans 12:2 encourages us to renew our minds to discern His good, pleasing, and perfect will.

• Avoid Offense: 1 Corinthians 10:32 advises us to not give offense. While saying “no,” do your best to communicate your decision in a way that avoids unnecessary offense or hurt.

• Pray for Guidance: James 1:5 encourages us to ask God for wisdom. Before giving a “no,” spend time in prayer, seeking guidance on how to communicate your decision effectively.

• Remember God’s Acceptance: In Christ, we find acceptance and value. This knowledge can give you the confidence to say “no” without fearing rejection or judgment.

• Do Everything in Love: 1 Corinthians 16:14 reminds us to do everything in love. When saying “no,” ensure that your decision and communication are rooted in love and respect.

• Be Slow to Speak: James 1:19 advises us to be slow to speak and quick to listen. Take your time to thoughtfully consider the request before responding.

• Avoid Swearing Oaths: Jesus advises against swearing oaths in Matthew 5:33-37. When saying “no,” avoid unnecessary embellishments or excessive explanations.

• Keep the Bigger Picture in Mind: Romans 8:28 reassures us that God works all things for good. Even when saying “no,” trust that God can use your decisions for His purposes.

The principles of honesty, kindness, respect, wisdom, and love should guide your interactions when saying “no” to others. By embodying these principles, you can communicate your decisions in a way that reflects your faith and values.

Ultimately, if you’re struggling with a “no” you need to give, remember that by giving a no you are aligning your life in the right direction with who you are becoming.